A policeman is going about his duty when he runs into a little boy sitting on
the kerb, crying his eyes out.
“What’s the matter, son?” asks the copper.
“It’s my father...” sobs the boy. “I don’t want to live with him any more. Ever
since mummy moved out, he’s started beating me.”
“Can’t you live with your mother instead?” the policeman replies.
”No... she beats me, too.”
“Oh. Don’t you have any other relatives you can live with? Aunts, uncles,
someone like that?”
“No... no... they beat me. They all beat me!”
PC Plod is a little nonplussed. “Well...” he ventures eventually. “Who –do- you
want to live with?”
The lad looks up. “I want to go and live with the Arizona Cardinals. They never
beat anybody.”
======
Nans.
Nans are a problem.
I know they usually mean well, but unfortunately for everyone concerned they
find themselves living in a world that moves at a pace that’s utterly
bewildering to someone who remembers a time when television, supersonic flight
and not dying of dysentery was the stuff of a madman’s dream.
Anything more high-tech than a tea-cosy just blows your nan’s eighty-year-old,
sepia-tinted mind, but because they love you and they want you to be happy they
try to wade in regardless. Birthday and Christmas presents, then, become a
minefield wrapped up in spangly paper. Will it be Soul Caliber II, or the latest
iteration of the Army Men franchise? The Die Hard trilogy, or Fast And The
Furious 2? Who knows what’s going on in the blue-permed head of that sweet old
octogenarian?
“Here you go, dear, happy birthday. I know you wanted an NFL franchise...”
“Oh, wow, cheers, Nan!”
“...so I got you the Arizona Cardinals. It’s lovely and warm, there, that’ll be
nice for you, won’t it?”
“Triffic.”
======
The Cardinals, then. Founded in 1898, the oldest continuously-run professional
gridiron team in the world, and the only franchise in the NFL whose mascot is a
Catholic priest.
That last part might not be true.
Let’s take a quick look at the tale of the tape:
Number of years in the National Football League: 82
Number of NFL championships: 2
Year of last NFL championship win: 1947
Number of winning seasons in the last 20 years: 3
Number of playoff appearances the last 20 years: 1
Number of playoff games won in the last 50 years: 1
Expectations of this consistent form changing any time soon: 0.
With Marvin Lewis following in my footsteps and slowly turning the Bengals
around, the Cardinals have squared their shoulders and bravely taken on the
burden of being the NFL’s joke franchise. Not content with a magnificent 5-11
finish to last season, the previous management then decided that it might be a
bit of a jolly jape to rid the team of not only its starting quarterback, but
also all three starting wide receivers and its second-leading rusher.
Because they like a challenge down Arizona way, yes indeed.
First things first, then, let’s have a look at the bricks we’re going to have to
try and build with.
QUARTERBACKS:
Well, with Jake The Snake taking his rollercoaster-ride off to terrify a
generation of Denver supporters, our line is going to be led by 11-year veteran
Jeff Blake, a statuesque passer with a cannon arm and so-so accuracy. If
we need a change of approach and a different style of signal-caller, though, we
can call on his backup, sophomore Josh McCown, a statuesque passer with a
cannon arm and so-so accuracy. Hmmm.
There is, officially, no Plan B in Arizona this year.
RUNNING BACKS:
Hurray, it’s Emmitt Smith, the NFL’s leading rusher of all time! Hurroo,
he’s... er... a bit, well... rubbish. In Marcel Shipp, we have a player
who’s younger, quicker and stronger than Emmitt, although he’s a leedle beet of
a fumbler along with it. Neither is a great pass-catcher out of the backfield,
which is annoying. James Hodgins is the only full-back, and he’s pretty
much a pure blocker. No All-Pro runner to bail me out of trouble this year,
then.
RECEIVERS:
No David Boston, no Frank Sanders, no MarTay Jenkins. No chance? Weeelll...
actually, there seems to be a bit to work with, here. The starters will be the
two rookies, Bryant Johnson and the spell-checker-hammering Anquan
Boldin, who are both big, possession-type catchers. Slot-receiver Bryan
Gilmore is the closest thing we have to a deep threat and, with 3 years of
experience behind him, also the closest thing we have to a veteran WR. The group
is rounded off by the distressingly blond Kevin Kasper, Jason McAddley’s
stupidly thick neck and Larry Foster, who looks the sort of boy you’d
like your daughter to marry. Lovely smile. The tight ends are Freddie Jones,
who’s better than average all around, Steve Bush (the member of the
family who didn't go into politics, obviously) who can at least block a bit, and
snivelling waste of cap-space Mike Banks.
Lots of good young players, then, if no great ones. We may have to try and play
a few spread-formations this season to try and take advantage of our
better-than-average depth.
OFFENSIVE LINE:
Finally some genuinely good news. Guards Pete Kendall and man-mountain
Leonard Davis are genuine, no-fooling elite players, and the tackles -
Nate Clement and man-foothill L.J. Shelton – really aren’t too
shabby, either. The weak link is at centre, where neither Frank Garcia
nor Jason Starkey are really capable of getting the job done. Depth on
the line is a worry, as well, since between starters and backups there’s the
sort of drop-off that would give a clinically depressed lemming pause for
thought.
SUMMARY:
This season is, I think, going to take a bit of a change of attitude on my part.
Playing as the Jets or the Bengals, I’ve been used to playing a run-orientated
West Coast style offence, based around a versatile halfback and lashings of
short passes. The Cardinals, however, with their strong o-line, big targets and
big-armed quarterback, look to be the sort of team who’ll set up the run with
the deep pass.
All in all, then – not the best news, but I was expecting much, much worse. The
receiving corps, in particular, should grow into a dangerous unit in a couple of
years, and if we grab a centre in the draft or free-agency then our O-line will
be fearsome. Throw in someone like Tim Couch or, dare to dream, Marc Bulger, to
lead the unit, and our offence could aspire to being genuinely borderline
respectable.
With my spirits raised, then, it’s on to the defence.
DEFENSIVE LINE:
Bit of a mess, really. We’ve 2nd year DT Wendell Bryant, who’ll do, and
rookie RE Calvin Pace, who looked good in training-camp and will probably
grow into a decent player one day, but beyond that it’s painfully mediocre.
Losing our magnificently-named end Kyle Vanden Bosch for the season with
a complete ACL tear hasn’t helped, but the bottom line is too many players who
just aren’t good enough. For the record, Russell Davis will be filling
the second DT spot, and Frank Wakefield will start at left end. No, it’s
probably not worth committing their names to memory.
LINEBACKERS:
Our defensive captain is veteran MLB Ronald McKinnon, who’d be a solid
starter on most NFL teams but looks like a superstar compared to the dross
around him. Young outside ‘backers Raynoch Thompson and Levar Fisher
don’t look up to it – not this year, maybe not ever. Bloody hell.
SECONDARY:
Superbowl-winning free safety Dexter Jackson must be looking around
wondering what the hell he’s gotten himself into. Our secondary looked a little
lopsided at the start of this year with All-Pro calibre cornerback Duane
Starks on one side, and, basically, nobody on the other. Luckily, that
imbalance has been sorted out by Starks tearing his ACL and spending this season
on injured reserve.
Phew. Dodged a bullet there.
Our young group of defensive backs, then, will feature no-marks David Barrett
and Renaldo Hill as the starting corners. Dear God. In the quest for a
silver lining, 3rd-year strong safety Adrian Wilson is top-notch, but I
don’t think he’s going to be up to covering every opposition receiver
single-handed.
SUMMARY:
How long have you got? Well, the front seven is awful, so we’re going to get run
to death. The corners are somehow even worse, so passing against us is going to
be slightly less taxing than opening a bag of crisps. We don’t have the talent
to cover man-to-man, but we’re not going to get enough pressure from our linemen
to operate a Cover-2 effectively.
Considering we’re sharing a division with offensive nobodies like Seattle, St.
Louis and San Francisco, though, I don’t think we need to worry overmuch on that
score.
There’s almost no scheming that can be done with a group of players this poor.
There aren’t really any strengths here to maximise, and too many weaknesses to
cover for. All I can do is try and mix up man, zone and blitz as much as I can
to keep the opposition off-balance, but all in all, I think that Halley’s Comet
is going to be seen more often than defensive stops in Arizona this year.
The only good news is that the vast majority of my team are youngsters and
there’s twenty-five million dollars’ worth of cap space to play with. I’m going
to resist the urge to try and fill the gaps with ageing mercenaries, though,
because anything I can do here is really going to be an Elastoplast over a
shotgun wound, and I don’t want to build a below-average team today using salary
room that could help to build a good team tomorrow.
It’s a noble ideal. Let’s see if it survives our first couple of humiliating
humpings.
SPECIAL TEAMS:
You know your team’s in trouble when one of the “star” players that Madden shows
on the game’s menu screen is your punter. Scott Player’s a damned good
one, though, possibly because of the amount of practice he gets. He’ll probably
end up touching the ball more often than my wide receivers. Bill Gramatica
is the placekicker, and he’s alright, if scary-looking. Kick and punt returns
are a bit of a problem, though – we’ve plenty of blokes who look like they’ll do
a decent job, but none who seem ready to set the world on fire. WRs Kevin
Kasper and Jason McAddley will handle the task between them.
In our one free-agent acquisition before the pre-season games, I opt to release
6th year CB Emmanuel McDaniel (OVR 64) to open up a roster space for
Tay Cody (CB, 3rd year, 74 OVR), who signs a 5-year deal worth a total of $8
millon. Cody will replace Renaldo Hill as our starting cornerback, and is young
enough to grow along with the rest of our defence.
In theory, anyway.
-
Pre-season! Yay!
As usual, I won’t waste a lot of time describing pre-season games, so...
DAL 21-42 ARI (1-0)
Game Notable For: Being nowhere near as easy as the score makes it look. Bill Parcels seems to have lost a lot
of weight in the off-season. And turned into a black guy.
Upside: Four interceptions. CB David Barrett responds to being called a “no-mark” in my pre-season analysis by
taking two of them to the house. Perhaps I ought to try that with a few more players.
Downside: Cowboys rack up 150 yards on the ground at nearly 7 yards a carry. We succeed in making Troy
Hambrick look like Terrell Davis in his prime. Bit like the Jets last Sunday, really.
Stat Of The Game: Quincy Carter – 2 of 7 for 26 yards and a pick. QB rating – 3.6. No, I’ve not missed a
digit anywhere in there.
ARI 17-21 SD (1-1)
Game Notable For: Us putting in tons of hard graft to stay in touch then handing the Bolts the game with comedy
tackling in the secondary to allow a 43-yard TD in the 4th quarter. Doug Flutie being a windy-uppy little
Canadian sod. Why isn’t he dead yet?
Upside: LaDainian Tomlinson – 13 carries, 47 yards. Great effort by my front seven to keep him to numbers
that are at least sane.
Downside: Our downfall is our two main RBs being held to less than 3 yards a carry by a very ordinary defence.
Stat Of The Game: We have a third more total offence, a third more time of possession and the same number
of turnovers, yet somehow manage to find a way to lose. Good effort, lads.
CHI 35-35 ARI (1-1-1)
Game Notable For: Bears taking the ball from the opening kickoff and driving into our red-zone with our
defence being roughly as effective as a chocolate flak jacket. Then, suddenly, Kordell does what Kordell does
best, and David “No-Mark” Barrett takes the interception back 106 yards for the game’s opening score.
Upside: Breakout games for Josh McCown (16 of 26 for 235 yards, 3 scores and 1 pick) and Kevin “How Blond
Can You Imagine?” Kasper (4 catches, 128 yards, 2 TDs).
Downside: After last week’s aberration, it’s back to business as usual for our run D. 190 yards and 3 scores
for the Bears’ fairly ordinary platoon of running backs, averaging more than 8 yards a touch. Can’t hang on to
a lead for the second week running.
Stat Of The Game: We cough up runs of 47 and 73 yards on consecutive possessions.
ARI 35-24 MIN (2-1-1)
Game Notable For: As if by magic, a fantastic performance appears. From nowhere it came, and to nowhere it’s
likely to return.
Upside: Everywhere you look. My two quarterbacks combine for 20 from 26, 324 yards, 3 TDs and no interceptions.
We manage 170 yards on the ground at 4 yards a pop, and even the defence finds 5 sacks from somewhere. Staggering.
Downside: Most of those numbers come after the 1st quarter, against Minnesota’s second team. As always,
we’re gashed by the run, 126 yards coming at 6 per carry. Give up two long passing scores, including being
outrun by tight-end Byron Chamberlain to the tune of 40 yards. Viking-horn siren that sounds every time
Minnesota get a first down even more annoying than the Jaguars’ bloody growly-big-cat number.
Stat Of The Game: Randy Moss held catchless by our secondary. Reports of airborne pigs and Lucifer skating
to work come in shortly afterward.
2-1-1, then. Not bad, not bad at all. Admittedly that came against three of
the worst teams in the NFL and a Vikings side who only played their starters for
a quarter and throughout that time looked like they could move the ball at will,
but this year I think I’ll be taking my silver linings where I can find them.
Our offence looks fine, moving the ball well, particularly through the air. A
defence that didn’t manage to hold a team to less than 21 points all pre-season
and consistently gave up big plays at the slightest excuse is a bit of a worry
but, you know. And I’ve now been cured of any temptation to run the 4-6 at any
point, ever, so I suppose it’s all good.
Advancements and starting lineups to follow next. I can tell you’re all
excited, try as you might to hide it.
-
A few nice bonuses come out of the post-pre-season progression. The biggest
winner is backup QB Josh McCown, flying up 4 rating points to 69 OVR. The
not-getting-any-less-blond WR Kevin Kasper grabs 3 points, securing our
4th receiver spot and kickoff return duties with his spunky new total of 74 OVR
– Bryan Gilmore will retain his place in the slot despite only going up a
solitary point to start the season at 71 OVR because he’s the quickest of my WR
platoon.
In other news, Marcel Shipp causes me a teensy bit of a headache by
gaining a handful of points (4 going on his STR alone!) and establishing himself
as an 81 OVR, the same total as Emmitt Smith. Bottom line – Shipp’s the
better runner, but Smith has better hands and is more effective at blitz-pickup.
It’s time for an executive decision, and I make it – Marcel will start the
season as our Number 1 HB, but Emmitt will see plenty of spot duty and will be
our third-down back. And if he doesn’t like it he can stop being so old and
useless.
My commitment to sticking with my young players through thick and thin
doesn’t even last all the way to the regular season – our special teams has been
more than indifferent throughout the fake games, and we still need more help in
the secondary. I manage to get both by picking up CB Terry Fair (5th
year, 74 OVR), a speedster and return man par excellence, on a 5-year, $7.3
million contract. Surplus-to-requirements,
ironically-scored-a-kickoff-return-TD-for-the-“real”-Cards-last -weekend 4th RB
Josh Scobey (2nd year, 59 OVR) is the schlub who gets canned to make
space. Fair will play as our nickelback this year.
The finalised starting lineups, then:
OFFENCE
QB – Jeff “Ravens Reject” BLAKE (12th year, 79 OVR)
HB – Marcel “Butterfingers” SHIPP (3rd year, 81 OVR)
FB – James “Interesting” HODGINS (5th year, 90 OVR)
FL – Anquan “Irritable Vowel Syndrome” BOLDIN (Rookie, 80 OVR)
SE – Bryant “No Relation” JOHNSON (Rookie, 76 OVR)
TE – Freddie “Flintstone” JONES (7th year, 82 OVR)
LT – Leonard “Little Lennie” SHELTON (3rd year, 81 OVR)
LG – Pete “Mint Cake” KENDALL (8th year, 88 OVR)
C – Jason “Feargal” STARKEY (4th year, 65 OVR)
RG – Leonard “Big Lennie” DAVIS (3rd year, 95 OVR)
RT – Anthony “No-Nickname” CLEMENT (6th year, 77 OVR)
DEFENCE
LE – Fred “Stopgap” WAKEFIELD (3rd year, 70 OVR)
DT – Wendell “Fat Lad” BRYANT (2nd year, 81 OVR)
DT – Russell “Disposable” DAVIS (5th year, 71 OVR)
RE – Calvin “Lacks” PACE (Rookie, 75 OVR)
SLB – Raynoch “Klingon Name” THOMPSON (4th year, 75 OVR)
MLB – Ronald “MacDonald” McKINNON (8th year, 80 OVR)
WLB – Levar “Forgettable” FISHER (2nd year, 74 OVR)
LCB – Tay “Easy To Spell” CODY (3rd year, 75 OVR)
FS – Dexter “I’m A Superbowl MVP, Get Me Out Of Here” JACKSON (5th year, 83 OVR)
SS – Adrian “Adriaaaaaaaaaaan!” WILSON (3rd year, 88 OVR)
RCB – David “No-Mark” BARRETT (4th year, 74 OVR)
SPECIAL TEAMS
K – Bill “The Other” GRAMATICA (3rd year, 83 OVR)
P – Scott “Hardest-Working Punter In Showbiz” PLAYER (6th year, 99 OVR)
KR/PR – Terry “Are You Going To Scarborough” FAIR (6th year, 99 OVR)
KR – Kevin “Peroxide Boy” KASPER (3rd year, 84 OVR)
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(c) daniel roe 2003
